the Wicker Man, Practical Magic

After hearing such wonderful things from my little bunnies about several witchy films, I decided to rent Practical Magic, now available on video. Did you know that in San Francisco, you can get on the web and order movies & ice cream & nyquil & other such stuff, and some cute little boy will come deliver it to your door? It’s for real. But it makes Witchypoo feel a little guilty, because I love Steve at Naked Eye on Haight, and I feel like I’m being unfaithful or something. Anyway...

Practical Magic is a major release movie starring Nicole Kidman (who just looks so witchy-licious with that red hair!) and Sandra Bullock. They’re sisters who are hereditary witches, in a small town on the East Coast. Being treated so horrendously by the prejudiced townsfolk, one sister decides to not raise her daughters in the craft. The other sister runs off to live the wild life, until her very sexy, bad news Slavic boyfriend starts beating her. Have you noticed how Eastern Europeans get cast as these dark, mysterious, dangerous types? It’s all because of Vlad, you know. He just could never hold his temper, that Vlad, impaling all those poor folks on their spears and all. Still, us Slavic types always get cast as Italians without a sense of humor. Anyway...

Things go down hill from there. This movie was very very witch positive, and just the kind of thing that I’m glad is being made now. We witches were very chic last year, what with those morsels on Charmed and all. Practical Magic is sort of like Charmed for the big screen, without those stupid White Lighter dust balls floating around. I just have one complaint: if they can be witch positive, why can’t they be female positive? Why do the main characters have to be soooooo stupid!? You almost want them to get it. I did. I was cheering for the hunky Slavic zombie! (Yoo Hoo! You little succulent New England idiot morsels! He’s over there. No, have some more tequila.) However, the aunties, played by Stockard Channing and Diane Wiest, are completely wonderful, proving that the crones are always the sexiest of them all. It’s true. If you don’t believe me, you just go rent the movie and tell me if you aren’t hotter for Stockard than Sandra. What a babe. Give me the crone aunties and tequila and I would have been happier.

And because it is Beltane, I simply MUST review my very favorite witchy movie of all time: The Wicker Man. If you have not seen it, get thee to a video store, and not one of those awful Blockbusters. They make all kinds of contributions to right-wing organizations that try to make witchcraft illegal and take away our choice and persecute queer people. Besides, do you know they edit videos to make them more wholesome? Well, there won’t be much left of The Wicker Man if that happens! It’s already been edited, in fact. It’s hard to find the longer, uncut, 200-minute version, with the whole sacrifice of Ian MacGregor’s virginity. Oh! How I love this movie! Fortunately, the shorter version still includes the magnificent Britt Eklund’s “spanky dance” sequence. You too can see Britt dance completely buck nekid, slapping her adorable Scandinavian buttocks. You know you want to see it. It makes me just want to bite her little perky nipples off. Anyway...

The Wicker Man is about a small island off the coast of Scotland called Summerisle (which actually is there, check your maps). A police sergeant, played by Edward Woodward, of TV’s Equalizer, goes there in search of a missing girl. The lord of the island, played by an outrageously coiffed Christopher Lee, gives the cop the ultimate pagan runaround. Evidently growing apples and hairstyling are the island’s biggest industries. You’ve never seen coiffure quite like this on the little nowhere islands you’ve been to. But then they are pagan, so style is very important. One of the many cultural differences highlighted in this film. Some of my favorite quotes from any movie are spoken by the folk of Summerisle. The ending is unbelievable! Witchypoo had to rewind it and watch it over many times.

This is a cult classic. It has been analyzed by pagan freaky types adnauseum. Basically, you must see this movie. If you have not seen it, you must see it to be a real honest to goodness self-respecting witch. If you have seen it, then see it again, because you can never get enough of Britt’s spanky dance, the music of which was covered by the Sneakerpimps. If you have only seen the short version, which does not include the snails doing it to Christopher Lee’s soliloquy, honey, you just haven’t fully lived. So get it. It will earn you extra cool points with your friends. Unbelievably witch positive. Witchypoo says make it a video night at home, with tequila margaritas and BBQ ribs. Check it out.

Practical Magic: Sweet but stupid Hollywood fare. Yummy, sexy crones. If you like Charmed, this movie is for you.
Witch Positive Score: Very Positive Witchypoo gives it three pentacles.

The Wicker Man: It is the will of the God that you see this movie! Stop reading and get it right now!
Witch Positive Score: Woo Hoo! Witchypoo gives it five pentacles plus. +

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